A letter to the Grout

Dear Hydromet Bright White Grout-

I am writing you this letter in hopes of gaining some fresh insight on why you must torture me so. As you may be well aware, my bathroom is being renovated. This has been a long process and I look forward to major milestones, one directly involving you, grouting the tile. Which as you know, makes me one step closer to having a completed shower enclosure allowing me to cleanse myself outside the confines of the porno shower in the basement.

Why, Hydromet, must your directions on the back of your packaging lead me astray? I carefully calculated my square footage area of tile to grout line ratio, in fact the tile guy also made the same such calculations, only to be teased with 10 pounds to get the job done. As I come to grout the shower enclosure, it is painfully obvious that the 10 pounds will get me 75% of the way complete. Leaving another weekend with unchecked to-do's in the master punch list of the bathroom renovation. According to the recalculations of remaining grout lines, another 5 pounds should get us home. And another bag was purchased with the remaining 3 linear feet of round trim, which turned out to only need one saw cut. One.

Why, Hydromet, do I follow your add water directions on the back of your packaging? I carefully measure out the water for another 5 pounds of grout mixture, only to end up making a smooth runny wet bucket of grout. You drip off the trowel like ice-cream melting in the sun and my hopes washing down the drain. Why, Hydromet, do you fail me at 11:30am when you know the tile store closes at noon on Saturdays? Luckily, I was able to make the trek and pick up 10 more pounds of grout in hopes of putting this disaster to rest.

10 pounds of grout later, 25 pounds total, the shower is finally grouted and ready for some penetrating sealer in the hopes that one day, the shower may actually be used again. Hydromet, I realize that you cannot control the plumbing connections and the reconnection of the water and shower fixtures, but if you have it in you, please make amends and guide my husband in completing the shower by Halloween. It has been 17 weeks since I have been in the shower last.

Regards,
M